Down here in Texas we're not accustomed to snow, ice and freezing rain, but we got a frigid blast of it over the weekend. I was appropriately bundled up against the cold and a bit frustrated when I found that the barn door was frozen shut. Fortunately I had another way in through the feed room.

My husband came out to help me with some hay and I told him about the frozen door. Being the helpful guy he is, he thought I wanted him to fix that problem, but when he did, the problem got worse.

I got annoyed, short, and snarky with him in a way I was not proud of.

When You Snap at People You Care About

Most people think of boundaries as saying no to others or learning to protect your time, your energy, your capacity.

But for successful women who've built careers and lives around being capable and reliable, there's another kind of boundary they’re not often aware of.

• Have you ever gotten snarky with someone when you're overwhelmed? 
• Do you remember a time when you snapped when something small went wrong? 
• Can you think of a time when you've pushed through tasks and anyone in your way becomes a problem to solve rather than a person?



This pattern of getting too big when you feel small is what happened to me at the barn.

Knowing Better Doesn't Mean Doing Better

If you're a lifelong learner or have perfectionist tendencies, I know you've read the books. You’ve done the work. You know exactly what you should do. And still, in the moment, all that knowledge goes out the window and you react.

The reason is because understanding lives in your mind. Patterns live in your body.

Your body learned decades ago what kept you safe, loved, and valued.

My dad loved the word “efficient” and I absorbed that mentality. Getting anything done faster was better. (And perfection was a good substitute if you couldn’t be quick.) The result was that my nervous system learned to protect me from feeling inadequate by urging me to go faster, ignore my emotions and get s**t done. 

When we’re triggered (cold, rushed, overwhelmed, etc.), our survival brain signals for that response before the thinking brain can intervene. 

The body doesn't know I'm trying to change. It just knows: cold = hurry up, task = efficiency mode, and obstacle = irritation.

Before I share with you what helps, let’s talk about what NOT to do. Unfortunately, we’ve all done it, but the truth is, it only makes it harder for us to do things differently.

The Cost of Being Hard on Yourself

My typical response in moments like this was to get annoyed or angry with myself, and then I’d feel guilty. For a loooong time.   

I'd stand there thinking, “Stupid, stupid, stupid. Why did you do that--again? What's wrong with you?”

But you can’t judge yourself and feel safe at the same time. Self-criticism activates the same survival response that made you snap in the first place.

When we beat ourselves up, we’re not building capacity for healthy responses or motivating ourselves to do better. We’re practicing more protection --literally training the survival part of our brain to stay on alert. 

We make ourselves  small again with shame, which just sets up the whole cycle to repeat the next time we feel inadequate or out of control.

Learning to work with your nervous system instead of fighting it is exactly what I teach in Build Boundaries With Confidence.

This Takes Practice (Not Perfection)

1. Noticing sooner

When you first start noticing  this, it might take you hours or even days to notice that you snapped. But, as you start to pay attention  more often, those hours will turn into minutes, and then seconds. Eventually you’ll catch yourself before you do what you've always done. 

That first flicker of smallness, shame and inadequacy or feeling out of control,  comes right before you lash out, get sharp, or irritated.

Don't try to fix it in the moment or find the cause or make it go away. 

Try this instead: 

Say, "The truth is I feel small right now." (Or fill in whatever you are experiencing.)  Then take three or four slow deep breaths. You might notice your body settling a bit.



Often that's enough. Sometimes it's not, and you'll still snap. You're not trying to be perfect. You're just shortening the gap between the reaction and the recognition.

And when you overreact (because you will), here’s what to do next.

2. Make it right, with them and yourself

When I came back inside, I apologized to my husband. “I’m sorry I was short with you. I was cold and stressed trying to keep the horses warm and the door was just one more thing. Taking it out on you was wrong.”

Then I had to make it right with myself, but with self -compassion instead of shame or self-criticism. After all, my system was doing what it learned to do a long time ago to protect me and retraining it is a process. This was not a failure. 

When you offer self-compassion after you've reacted, you're teaching your nervous system that it’s safe enough to feel small without needing to get big. You remind yourself that it’s possible to make a mistake and sit with it—even though it's uncomfortable—without collapsing into a shame spiral.

Just like responding with kindness toward my partner builds trust, responding with kindness towards myself helps me learn to trust myself more.

Be Patient With Yourself As You Practice

As you’re learning to stay with yourself when you feel small,  see if you can soften instead of bracing.

You can't control what happens around you, but you can notice when you've lost yourself, come back sooner, and choose how you respond.

So often we judge ourselves as a “bad person” because we had a bad reaction. 

Your current reactions aren't character flaws. 

They're nervous system patterns, and they can be changed. 

Next time you find yourself thinking "I know better, why did I just do that?" I invite you to pause. 

• Did you feel yourself getting small right before you got big? 
• Are you punishing yourself now with criticism?

Be kind to yourself. This is something your body never learned.

If this resonates and you'd like support as you practice recognizing when you've left yourself and learning to stay grounded, I created Build Boundaries With Confidence. 

It's a one-hour workshop with 30 days of Voxer support, so you have someone in your corner as you figure out what works for you. 

This work is easier (and more fun) when you're not doing it alone.

Warmly,

Kathy

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